jueves, 18 de diciembre de 2008

La mentira gourmet

Mil hojas de faina con langostinos, tiraditos de pescado con guacamole, wraps de pavo con brie y chutney, parfait de yogurt con sopa de mango y menta, tapioca en leche de coco, sablee de almendras, mimosas de Champagne. Se me hace agua la boca y el bolsillo (se me hace) añicos cuando empiezo a hacer la cuentas.
La mesa está servida, pero para saber qué vas a comer no te alcanza con Horangel, Aschira y ni Ludovica Esquirru juntos. La profeta de moda es Narda Lepes y yo cada vez que leo un menú me siento un Nardo, porque no entiendo nada.
Como en el principio fue la palabra, los chefs se dieron cuenta de que lo más importante para seducir a los clientes es un buen nombre como anzuelo.
Entonces vos te sentás y cuando agarrás la carta no sabés si estás leyendo las recomendaciones del chef o los nombres de los integrantes del seleccionado francés de fútbol.
Le explicás a la moza que te gustaría un Zinedine Zidane, pero que te cae un poquito mal al pecho y finalmente optás por unas “Láminas de ave sobre un verde sommier de la huerta”.
Probás el vino criado en barricas de roble francés y cuando ya te empezabas a sentir Napoleón Bonaparte, te destierran a Córcega.
La moza pone un plato cuadrado gigante y en el medio alcanzás a distinguir que hay unas pálidas tajadas de pollo y que en lugar del “verde sommier de la huerta” hay una colchoneta baqueteada, armada con unas mustias hojas de lechuga que combinan muy bien con las seis arvejas arrugadas que se desparraman por ese desierto culinario.
Lo único que tiene sabor es la salada cuenta que te sube la presión mientras te preguntás si rompiste algo. Tenés tanta hambre que te comerías al gordo que conduce “Wok”.
Huís y entrás al primer bar de mala muerte que te cruzás fuera de esa ruta del sabor. Te sirven una milanga más grande que el Titanic y pedís un iceberg para enfriar el vino de la casa. Mientras el mozo te abraza de atrás, extendés los brazos y, con la boca bien llena, gritas satisfecho: “soy el rey del mundo”.

Publicado en la revista Leche el año pasado.

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